Crushes are funny things. People often misunderstand what it means to have a crush. There are several kinds of crushes, too. There is the kind of crush you have because you think someone is cool and you like hanging out with that person and you sort of want to be like that person -- you admire him or her. Then, there are other kinds of crushes that involve being sexually attracted to someone. Sometimes crushes involve a little bit of both. Crushes can best be thought of as strong feelings of liking someone.
As teens explore the meanings of different kinds of friendships, all sorts of strong feelings for other people come up. Sometimes these feelings disappear, sometimes they turn into friendships, sometimes they turn into something more. Sometimes they last a long time, sometimes only a few days.
This is all pretty confusing, isn’t it? Plus, crushes are even more confusing when the crush is on somebody of the same gender as you. (Gender means male or female.)
While you didn’t bring this up, we wonder if you are worried whether having a crush on another guy might mean you are gay. It sounds like you are getting teased about that possibility at school. While you may already have decided what you think about this question for yourself, most 14 year olds who wonder if they are gay have some trouble sorting out this issue, particularly if other kids at school are teasing them. Teasing makes it hard to make up your own mind about things.
You should know that it often takes a long time to know if the feelings you are having now for people of the same gender will continue as you get older, or change as you get older. Only time can answer that question. In the meantime, it is important to have lots of friends of both genders.
The most important thing here is that all of this stress seems be depressing you -- making you worry and making you want to escape the stress. Depression cuts into the fun and the friendships we think you deserve. We agree you need help with this. You should discuss these worries with an adult whom you can trust. Do it soon. There are lots of good ways to help people sort out the feelings you are having and perhaps medications that might help with the depressed feelings.
Talk to your parents unless you think it will freak them (or you) out. You don’t have to tell them everything. Just let them know you are feeling sad and depressed and want some help.
If you aren’t sure you can talk to your folks, a school counselor or your doctor will be able to help you or they can refer you to someone who can. Sometimes there are teen 'hotlines' you can call that are associated with Mental Health Centers in your community. Professional counselors can help you sort out your friendships, your sexual identity and your depression. Just be sure be sure it is a counselor who is used to helping teens with problems.
Developing crushes is normal and healthy. It is part of learning how to have friendships and experience love. You need some help figuring out what it all means for you, but you deserve good things, not bad feelings. Get help. You will feel a lot better about yourself.
You're not alone. Take a look at a few of the quetions related to this topic that other teens have asked us.
I think I'm gay because I'm having sexual fantasies about a friend. Is this wrong?
If you think you're gay should you tell someone? Should you try to date someone in the same sex to find out?
I think I'm bisexual. How do I deal with this?
I'm a lesbian. How do I tell my parents?
For more information, check out these Web sites:
Youth Assistance Organization
Youth Resource
Advocates for Youth
Posted 3-15-04
